..25 Random Things..

This "game" went around Facebook and Blogger a few months ago. I always read other's, but never wrote one myself. I didn't think there was any way I could come up with 25 Random Things about myself. But, in an effort to "find myself" and learn how to truly be happy with who I am, I have started "discovering" interesting things about myself. As I discover more, I will add to this post, and move it to the top of my blog. Join me on my journey of self exploration. It will be interesting to see how long it takes me to finish.

1. I like even numbers. I'm almost OCD about it, which I've never really noticed until recently. When I turn the volume up or down on the radio or the TV, I always turn 2 clicks, and always end on an even number (so if someone left it on an odd number, I have to change it to an even) This carries over into many other aspects, things just have to be even.

2. My greatest fear in life...death, losing someone dear to me. But if I'm being honest with myself, and that's what this is about, I can't really claim that, because I have already felt the pain of losing loved ones. To be completely honest, my greatest fear is not being missed once I am dead. My heart physically aches at the thought of being easily replaced, quickly forgotten, and minimally mourned. Isn't that totally selfish? I guess I just want so badly to know that I am loved, that the thought of dying and finding out once on the other side that my loved ones don't miss me, is a horrible thought. This especially applies to my husband. I am so insecure about how much he loves me (because I can't fathom that it's possible for someone to love me that much), that I constantly find myself doubting that he would even shed a tear over losing me. Okay, like I said, being brutally honest here, I know it's totally selfish, but it's truth!

3. I have no idea what I look like! I would love to see myself through someone else's eyes, just for one moment. I struggle with my self image, I always have. Especially now that weight is an issue. I have no idea what size I really am. I mean, I know what size I wear, but what does that size look like outside of me? What do others see? Do I look as fat and frumpy as I see myself? It would be nice to really see what I look like. It would be nice to be able to believe my husband when he tells me I am beautiful. I'm sure my self loathing drastically sways my opinion about what I look like. Some days, I actually don't think I look that bad, I'm possibly not as fat as I think, I really am beautiful, I actually feel good about myself...but it never lasts.

4. I love sleep...but I hate going to bed. I could sleep forever once I'm asleep. But, I absolutely hate going to sleep. Why? Where do I start? Now that I am a mother, for starters, the night is my time. My free time, my me time, my progress time, my decompress time. Then, most nights, when I lie down, my mind says "Oh, it's quiet, we can think!" I can't get it to be quiet long enough to fall asleep, which leads me to my last reason. I hate lying in bed not being able to sleep. There is nothing more frustrating than being tired, wanting to sleep, and not being able to fall asleep. Do I lie there and hope I sleep soon? Sometimes that is hours of wasted time. Do I get up and do something productive? Usually leads to hours of wasted rest time. It's an impossible decision, and one I find myself making almost nightly.

5. I'm a dreamer...but I almost never follow through. No confidence! I always wanted to be a cheerleader, but never had enough confidence to even find out if I could be good at it. I am passionate about music, just not passionate enough to put forth the effort (so I guess that means I'm really not that passionate). I dream of being a concert pianist, or learning the guitar, violin, or cello, or even being confident enough to share my passion for singing. Darn confidence, always gets in the way. I also would love to learn to dance. I love to watch the incredibly beautiful things people can do with their bodies, the movements are mesmerizing. I'm simply too afraid of finding I can't do it. So I don't try. Sad huh? Aspiring photographer...more excuses. The latest, and maybe (cross your fingers) most successful, cake decorating! Wish me luck! The list goes on ,but for times sake, I think you get the point.

(Reading back on what I wrote, I know it seems like I am pointing out a lot of negative things about myself, but I have learned a lot about myself in acknowledging them. I have learned things that will help me move forward, and that is why I am doing this.)

6. When using a public restroom, I always have to go in the second stall. By default, if that one is not available, I just move on down the line.

7. I am totally and completely addicted to this blog : nienie !!! It is like reading the best book ever written. The emotions she stirs in my heart...there are no words. Most days I cry, many days I smile, all days I am uplifted and encouraged. She is an incredible woman! Check her out, I know you'll love her too! (If you don't already) I hope she never stops writing.

8. I am addicted to spending money. Even when I know I shouldn't, and I really don't need whatever I am buying. It's like therapy! I can't explain it, but it gets me in a lot of trouble.

9. I am a hypocrite...nuff said!

10. I can't bear to see people I love in pain, whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual, temporal. Watching someone I love hurt is one of the most challenging things for me, especially when there is nothing I can or should do to help. I'm a fixer, I like to fix people, it makes me happy to fix people!

11. I am an emotional eater...hence the excess baggage around my waistline. No more explanation needed.

12. I love all kinds of music! Well, I love 98% of music. I don't care for rap or heavy metal, but I love exploring new genres. I love finding lesser known talents. I love the oldies but goodies (Thanks Dad!). I love classical, alternative, soft rock, pop, country, Celtic, disco, techno, wow, there are too many to list...

13. I hate money! Everything to do with it except spending it...wherein lies the problem! Do I really need to explaing further?

14. I like my grilled cheese sandwhices "smooshed" flat. The flatter the better!

15. I really don't like summer...at least not this year. Way too hot way too soon!

16. I am deeply hurt by family that doesn't want to be family. In life, if not family...what else is there? I really try not to let it bother me...but it does!