..Let me clear the air..

The result of having a doting family that cares immensely for my well being and happiness is a wave of panic at a post like the one below this one.

My deepest apologies for any wrong sent messages.

Am I depressed?

I am utterly sad, lonely, stressed, worried, downtrodden, tired, defeated, bitter, confused...

...so, yes, in a word - depressed. I just hate the stigma that is the word DEPRESSION. I am not that person. I refuse to be that person. It implies a lack of ability to control ones emotions, of extreme instability, of pain and sorrow. The word in and of itself pulls me down.

Do I understand depression? Yes, very well! I've done my research, and yes, I'm sure I could be diagnosed and clinically treated, but I choose not to.

Am I pointing fingers at those who have chosen that path....ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Furthermore, I have NO plans of leaving this earthly realm any time soon. Unless the big man upstairs has his own plans for me, I am here for the long haul!

I have far too much on my mind to be thinking about my demise. Wink, Wink! Grin! (That's supposed to be a joke, a bad joke, but none the less. You don't have to laugh if you don't want too.)

So here are the facts! The real thoughts and emotions behind a vague post of depression.

1. I care too deeply about my extended family to leave them. You are my strength, my everything. You are the blood that runs through my veins, my greatest pride. My heritage!

Get Ready!

Big announcement coming!

Probably premature, but after the fear I just struck, you deserve it!

That love and devotion to you, my family, is why we have decided to make the move to be closer. I/We need you in our lives! I don't need the added stress of trying to relocate, but I can take it in stride, one day at a time. It will totally be worth it.

2. I have two of the most beautiful boys this world could offer. While I may not be the perfect mother, or even close to being a decent mother, and while they may test every fiber of my being on a daily basis, they deserve much more than to lose me. And I would never hurt them in that way!

3.I have the hottest husband in the world, who works incredibly hard to provide for us, and who I adore. If I leave, I don't get him for eternity, and that would pretty much suck!

So why am I depressed?

Valid question, and you deserve to know.

My faith is, well, it's not what it could be. Spurred further into weakening by recent events. But even in my doubts and uncertainty, I know that my family would never lead me astray.

My body is failing me both physically and temporally. Who knew being infertile could cause so many problems?! I take one step forward and two steps back. This journey is long and difficult, it causes great bitterness at times.

My 6 year old totally stresses me out and pushes me to the max. I get tired just thinking about him. I'm at a loss, and I have lost control - He totally runs this house!

I really just want a little girl! Just one more baby! Just one that I made, that is me and my husband. Not that anyone could deny my boys are ours, but I long for that experience, the one that will complete my womanhood. The one that won't leave me feeling like an outsider to most all the women I encounter. The one thing I was created to do!

Folks...it's just life, and I totally get that. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a battle against millions all by myself. I get defeated easily. I'm a worry wart. I overreact. I create stress. I turn mole hills into mountains. Call it a minor character flaw if you will, but, I just wanted to share my feelings, nothing more. No hidden messages. Just the truth.

As for the little happy pills...

...they're not right for me at this time. I may change my tune in the future, who knows, but for now, I'm just seeking other alternatives. I firmly believe I can conquer this disease without them. I have made great progress in my life. Believe it or not, this is not my darkest hour. Dark, but not darkest. I believe that hour is passed and I am steadily climbing. The light is there! It's just still very faint. Somewhere in me is the strength to succeed, I just lose it from time to time.

So, heads up! No worries! I love you all and am eternally grateful for your love and support...every single one of you! (Yes, even you. The one thinking I'm not talking about you. If you are reading this, I am talking about you.)